Great expectation

Last night I sang the 3rd in a series of 3 concerts with Nashville Symphony. The experience was an inspiring one – the orchestra played magnificently, their conductor, Giancarlo Guerrero is a superbly sensitive and energetic leader, and the Richard Danielpour premier ‘Darkness in the Ancient Valley’ (in which the soprano joins the orchestra on the last movement) proved to be an absolutely fantastic work of music.

But the crux of my inspirational emotions was the challenge of Mahler’s 4th. There are things that I feel I do well naturally (oftentimes with a whole lot of work added on, and with many a thank you to the universe as well…), and then there is what some might call ‘breath support’.

I have not been blessed with an ability for endless phrasing. Let’s be honest, not even half-endless… I have sought many different instruction on this throughout my career, and at the end of the day I always end up in the same spot – with not enough breath (for what I think the composer is asking) and a really yucky feeling of inadequacy.

Small ribcage maybe? I spent too many years being an athlete and dancer, so that my sense of lower-abdominal relaxation is lacking? I’ve just learned it all wrong from the get-go? I give too much in the wrong places within the phrase? It’s simply inborn body structure? I get too excited? The list goes on for what might be WRONG. What I might be DOING WRONG. And worse - how I’m incapable of getting it RIGHT.

Add to that my immense respect and admiration for a great work such as the Mahler. And my respect and admiration for those better artists who can ‘do breathing’ so beautifully. Who can sing a sentence of music as though the entire heavens were flowing inside their lungs. And the shadows begin to loom, my brain begins spinning, and my self esteem starts plummeting…

One of the challenges that seems to be stalking me in this lifetime is finding the balance between what I think others expect of me (that can run the gamut – parents, siblings, teachers, audience members, friends, critics, dead and living composers…) and what I can actually achieve.

Even given the awareness that human beings outside myself are too busy with their own thoughts and their own lives (and, surprise surprise, actually not spending half their mental powers thinking about Hila….) still, those horrible ego-driven demons – appeasing, wanting to be liked – quarrel endlessly with my work at inner growth, self knowledge and self acceptance…

And in realizing how foolishly self involved I am lies my temporary salvation. I understand that I can never be perfect. I can let that great expectation go. And I try to remind myself that others will see me as they see fit (or not see me at all).

And anyway, heck, if I try to sing this or that particular melody in one breath it will sound bad. If I really, really, really try not to take a breath, and then take one because I’m on the verge of choking – it will sound bad. I’m here, and this is me (however much I might desire it to be otherwise), so I might as well take as many breaths as I need….

OK, I’m ready. So while sitting on stage, waiting my cue, in the midst of the 3rd movement and some of the most heartbreakingly beautiful music I’ve ever heard I am reminded of the words that I am about to sing:

‘Kein Musik ist ja nicht auf Erden
Die unsrer verglichen kann werden…
…Die englischen Stimmen
Ermutern die Sinnen
Daß alles für Freuden erwacht.’

(‘There is no music on earth
That can be compared to ours…
…The angelic voices rouse the senses
So that everything awakens with joy.’)

Let the angels do their job. I’ll just try to keep breathing.

17 Comments

Kenny on November 21, 2011 at 2:39 pm Reply

I understand your dilemna.

As a choir drector in the public schools, I deal with this constantly. I tell my students that they have to do the best they can with what they have, and that they can’t expect more than that.

As a musician I know this personally as well. About 10 years ago I had a life-threatening illness. I spent 2 months with a tracheotomy. Between that and the scars from the pneumonia, my lung capacity went from massive to normal. Very difficult to get used to that.

I love your attitude – let the angels do their job and keep breathing! :)
Robert Barr on November 21, 2011 at 2:58 pm Reply

Wow Hila, thanks for this. I am working on a solo right now that exposes the same problem with my voice. This is great advice.
Jenna Nash on November 21, 2011 at 3:04 pm Reply

Wow, thank you so much for those worlds Hila! That is great encouragement for me. I’m only in my third year studying music and voice at college and its nice to know that even someone as amazingly gifted as you has the same feelings I have about my voice sometimes. Thank you so much for your honestly and for using the gift that has been given to you. Your wonderful!

Blessings,

Jenna Nash
David on November 21, 2011 at 3:05 pm Reply

thank you so much for this.

vocals are such a creaturly creation and experience

I love your sound.

lately I’ve been noticing / putting attention on a couple of the vowels as breath robbers – at this point just noticing / relaxing about it.

David Flowers
Zofia on November 21, 2011 at 3:32 pm Reply

Dear Hila, beautifully stated! As your words apply to every note sang, so they go for every brushstroke laid on a canvas. There is so much creative energy tied up and wasted looking over our real and imaginary shoulder at how we are perceived, and not enough just letting the creative spirit flow through us, accompanied by hiccups and random breaths. Wish I were there to hear you live ;-). I am sure your performance was unforgettable.
Amanda Craft on November 21, 2011 at 3:45 pm Reply

THANK YOU for your courage in posting this. It is so refreshing when professionals stand up and help debunk the perfection myth. This kind of honest writing is so needed in the lives of young singers.
Terry Burns on November 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm Reply

It is an encouragement to know that even the best struggle with the expectations of others. I have a profound hearing loss and weat digital hearing aides. I have also studied voice for 2 1/2 years with wonderful voice teacher. I was told a long time ago by a hateful person that I sounded like a deaf person. I have learned since then, that there is nothing further from the truth. The issues I have with singing are the same issues that normal hearing people have. Reading your post was a confirmation of that fact. Thank you for your encouragement. Maybe one day, I will have the opportunity to come and hear you.
Jason Longtin on November 21, 2011 at 4:25 pm Reply

Thanks for this Hila. Your words of wisdom extend far beyond the stage.

Jason
Tomas Poventud III on November 21, 2011 at 6:55 pm Reply

I have to admit, I have the same problem. Every time that the director states to go through a phrase in one breath, I end up needing to take a breath right in the middle of it and I have to find strategic places in the music of whatever solo repertoire that I’m performing to be able to finish a phrase without sounding like I’m dying of suffocation. I have consistently thought and believed that having that type of problem means that I would never be able to be a part of any kind of professional singing, but with your story, I see that is not the case. I can focus on making the best music I can and not (completely) worry about the length of my phrase before I have to breathe.

Thank you for the inspiration, I no longer see it as a handicap. It what allows me to be more musical and therefore a strength.
Robin Parker on November 21, 2011 at 7:43 pm Reply

How inspirational (and not just for singers)! Thank you for being open enough to share your struggles as well as your joys.
Karen Lupton on November 21, 2011 at 7:44 pm Reply

Ah-ha! Thank you for writing such a great post! Maybe now I can relax about those runs in ‘Rejoice’ that every other soprano in the world seems to make it through without breathing!
Honesty – it’s so refreshing!
Jillian on November 21, 2011 at 7:54 pm Reply

Thank you so much for posting this! (And thank your husband for putting it on facebook!) Just yesterday, I had a somewhat bumpy performance of Handel’s Judas Maccabaeus, and was feeling very down on myself for (what I now realize) basically not being a perfect performer. This was just what I needed to see today to make me realize that it’s okay to not be perfect all the time. :) Thank you!
Diane Cushing on November 21, 2011 at 8:32 pm Reply

This is So helpful to me and all of my students! Thank you for sharing. It means So much!!
Julie Souin on November 21, 2011 at 8:58 pm Reply

I find it completely inspiring hearing this come from you… articulating your struggles in singing and performing, both physically and emotionally. Most singers are probably way to hard on themselves to begin with! I have to say though, WOW, have you ever heard yourself sing? ; ) I would think that would help put some of the fear and insecurities to rest. You’re incredible!!! I know it’s not easy but you make it sound that way. Really!
Jayne Carmichael Norrie on November 22, 2011 at 3:22 pm Reply

It is reassuring to see that someone like yourself who is at the top of their game still worries about things. Perhaps there is hope for me after all!

Best wishes

Jayne
Maarit Vaga on November 23, 2011 at 7:13 pm Reply

Thank you for having the courage to state what churns inside my head every time my performance fails to measure up. The breath-confession was amazingly liberating to read…I have been beating myself up over this shortcoming for so long, agonizing over what the problem could be. You are a breath of encouragement founded in truth – THANK YOU! I wish you the presence of many angels and continued joy in singing!!
Maarit
Robert Walp on November 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm Reply

I heard you, last night with the LA Philharmonic, sing with stunningly beauty and genuine artistry. That you write of your difficulties and doubts is a great thing–really, something so important, coming from a musician of your caliber. Thank you for your heavenly performance, and heartfelt comments.

Bob Walp